Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
You Might Also Like
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun