[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
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C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs