A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
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Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.