When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
You Might Also Like
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?