I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
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Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn鈥檛 it
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
“TGIM!” – My liver
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don鈥檛 yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: 鈥ow do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
馃槼馃槼馃槼鈽曪笍鈽曪笍鈽曪笍鈽曪笍馃お馃お
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I鈥檒l have what she鈥檚 having
Her: two divorces then please
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space