Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
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My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.