Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
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me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Lmaoo 😂