Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
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I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”