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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
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On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I bet birds love this building.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Everyone’s family
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
A completely valid reaction tbh
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
relationship goals