MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
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*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
quarantine day 3
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.