You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
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About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
“We will wed,” I threatened
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better