9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
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her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions