your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
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NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
is this meant to deter me
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday