[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
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Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
im 7 sauces long
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.