*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
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HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.