An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
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Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.