I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
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CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
💯😂
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
the Monday after daylight savings
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!