If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
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cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
How actors in movies eat their food
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter