In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
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I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies