With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
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Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
That’s no pocket rocket.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.