[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
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It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.