If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
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Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.