*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
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ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now