Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
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COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Ugh but profoundly
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.