My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
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Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?