If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
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Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Stick it to the man
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house