One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
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Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.