I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
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My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
God has left this place
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Remember folks 😂
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours