[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
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Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
SF is the wild wild west man
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
my lower back watching me try to live my life
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head