Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
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[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.