When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
You Might Also Like
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Just a bush.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
nobody:
ppl with clear cases: