*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
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[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Blew out my flip flop…