Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
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This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise