I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
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I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Terribly Tuesday.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
New Tinder profile.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No