Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
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I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.