Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
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Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.