Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
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This is my emotional support online shopping cart
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.