Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
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the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up