[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
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Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Terribly Tuesday.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Flowers bee like
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.