*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
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I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Not today. 😅
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW