if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
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My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.