“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
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‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Oops
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
If you breakdance you buy dance.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.