“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
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Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)