I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
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I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Plant care tips
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon