Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
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[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Liquor Store Parking
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who