The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
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My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard