People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
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I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?