The Wolf of Wall Street.
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Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
The internet is full of many things
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?