How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
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boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”