I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
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Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I am a gravy boat captain
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Simple
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.